Standstill

I feel I’m at a bit of a standstill.  I called the herbalist yesterday and told him “I don’t think I’m ready to start herbal treatment.”  This was not entirely a lie.  I don’t want to start herbal medication with him because our personalities don’t compliment each other, because he keeps chasing me away, because he continually belittles me and because he continually contradicts himself.  So, no, I am certainly not ready to make such a leap of faith as to go off my medication with him.  I’m also not ready to write him off entirely because I am so determined to take this herbal route and if he is the best…  Don’t worry, I’ll exhaust my options before I subject myself to such treatment.  I’m still thinking he’s just going through a rough patch (trying to keep too much negativity out of my life, besides, I find it easier to empathize with others than to think they are just bad or mean people).

I spoke with the acupuncturist who referred me to the herbalist about finding someone else to help me out.  She called me to let me know that she had spoken with an herbalist in San Diego who had worked with several clients with IBD (Irritable Bowel Disorder, this includes Crohn’s and Ulcerative Colitis).  I always thought Irritable Bowel sounded kinda funny.  I know I can be irritable sometimes but who ever heard of an organ getting irritable.  However, if you have ever suffered from IBD, you know those intestines can get mighty testy and irritable if you don’t treat them just right (or even when you do, they can just have a nasty disposition).  So the acupuncturist notified me that she had learned of some points she could alternate between for acupuncture treatment (that she had learned from the acupuncturist in San Diego) and she offered to treat me.

I’m not the most confrontational person and, at times, find myself in a somewhat less than favorable position due to not wanting to offend but when it comes to my health, I am starting to try to be a bit more aggressive.  This acupuncturist was the one who treated me several years ago when I returned from Japan and had a bad flare up after a messy break-up.  At the time, my condition worsened so badly I ended up needing an emergency blood transfusion.  I didn’t want the acupuncturist to think I didn’t appreciate her offer and her efforts but I also didn’t want to go through what I had experienced so many years ago (it was horrible and pretty scary, I looked a bit vampire-ish due to being so anemic, which is not a horrible look if that’s what you are going for but not if you are doing it inadvertently).  I thanked her for her offer and mentioned my concern based on our history together and let her know that I would think about it but was looking for someone who also specialized in herbal medication and had experience working with a unique case like mine.  She gave me the name of the woman in San Diego and encouraged me to sleep on the idea.  I thanked her, hung up the phone and then cried.  I cried partially because I could hear in her voice that I had offended her (she was very kind and understanding, I may just be overthinking this, which is one of the things that I should avoid as such stress can lead to flare-ups) but also because I now found myself at a sort of standstill.

ImageNot that bad of a standstill!

I suppose it’s not quite a standstill.  It’s not some horrible gridlock that I can’t work my way out of.  It’s simply a roadblock, an obstacle.  I’m trying not to think that I’m back to square one.  I have learned a lot in the last 6 months of searching for an herbalist.  I have a list of foods I can and cannot eat, I have discovered a new and exciting form of yoga (I took the Iyengar yoga class yesterday and today for the first time and loved it) and I still have hope that I can and will find a way to be medication free and healthy.  I’m in a much better place now than I was as an uninformed 19 year old, at the mercy of uninformed doctors (who were too busy fulfilling their monthly quota of patients to take the time to assess my individual and unique case).  I have a voice and years of knowledge an experience to back up that voice.  I’m not stuck, I’m just frustrated.ImageHere’s a painting from when I was about 19 and felt “stuck” (well in this case, “stuck” inside my bloody colon).  I’m sure my family is glad I’m in a better place with my health so I stop filling up rooms with humungous paintings of my diseased colon (this one is about 6×4 feet in size!).

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